Sitting here by myself bored. My man left right after I got home from work, and the kids are sleeping. I have no friends, I have acquaintances, people I know. I don't know them good enough to hang out with them. Just people I work with. I have a hard time making friends. I have a hard time opening up and letting people get to know me. I've been like this for a while. When I was younger in my pre-teens and teens, yea I had a few friends that I hung with. As I turned towards the drug life I grew away from them. Now I know people but I don't know them. I really wish I could be more social and have the ability to go up and start a conversation.Or just say hey you want to hang out. Most people aren't doing the things I am doing> I don't really drink and if I do it is to get fucked up and have the head change. Most normal people don't use drugs. Marijuana not be counted. That is not a drug to me, its medical.If i do go somewhere I have totake my kids with me. Taking them somewhere is hard. My youngest cries, and my two older ones fight and nit pick each other. I hope it gets better with them as they get older.

Decisions

Im not ready to back to school right now. I have been on two minth break and I'm suppose to startback on the 17th. I have been doing some serious thinking. I want an education but I dont want to what I'm going to school for. I have a back roj.d that is going to hinder me on going where I would like to go. I would have to work a county if I go into juvenile probation. I have been researching those kind of jobs and no one is hiring. States and counties are broke. America is broke. I feel I should go into what I know and have done before. Medical or restaurant. I've work as a medical assistant and server. I know my way around both of those. It is time to decide, im running out of time.

Sick individual

Sitting at home looking at my swollen bruised arm, contemplating on getting a point and putting one to the neck. Hoping that if I shot there maybe just maybe one of those viens wont collapse on me. My luck right now I would end up missing and hurting myself or the vien collapses and I end up with a bubble and bruise sticking out tbe side of my neck.  This is what is going through my mind as I am trying to cover up all the bruises on my arm.  None if the make up worked on covering them up. You are able to tell that I have caked on make up all over my arm, ended washing it off. I just have to except my arm and hope nobody notices it when I get my kids from school. Then I have to go to urgent care to ser what's wrong me. I have been sick and
the cough I have is so bad I cant breath at times.

just getting shit out there

Been up all night messing around on the computer fixing my blog page. Things have to be perfect for me and they still aren't perfect. last night was hell. besides not being able to find and stay in a vein, got into fight with my man. While he was out scoring a dude that I have known since I was in my twenties road his bike over. Come to find out he moved to the area I now live six months after me. Never knew until about four or five days ago. so anyways, getting home from my kids baseball practice my middle son was telling me that someone is hiding behind the white van across the street from my house. I live in a nice suburb where people don't do the things that tweekers do. I told the boys lets get inside. My oldest told me to lock the door. Within 30 seconds to a minute after locking the door, my door bell rings. It him, asking me if his chick is here, as that was going on my man pulls in and sees him standing at my door talking to me. I saw my mans face and he was not happy. My man doesn't trip on me, but since we have been tweeking  again for the past two months after him having three years clean and me, well I only had about eight months clean. I ended up talking to this guy at my front door with the door open for a minute. I was pissed and wanted to confront him about his tripping on his wife. Hes is tripping on the fact that we both, her and I have no female friends. I have my man and my kids, she has him, her man, and her daughter who is staying with her mom. All we want to do his just have some girl time, talk about girl stuff. I need some one to talk to that can understand what I am going through. I am fucked up on drugs, hooked on the needle, and very unhappy with myself. I confronted him and he said he was cool about it and understands. He just thought that I wanted to hook up with her. Sorry buddy that's not me. Maybe fifteen years ago when I was younger, with no kids, and the freedom of doing drugs and nobody giving me shit for what I was doing. I was shocked. I guess we will see what happens today. She has already called me wanting to get the hell out of her house. But if she comes over we have to hide her car, sounds like to me that he is still going to trip on her and I being friends. I was trying to get him and my man to be friends but my man doesn't really like him. He will be cool with him, but he doesn't want to be friends with him. Even though we are using dope, we both still go to work. There is too much drama that comes with those two and I have only been hanging around them for fives days Haven't seen this much drama since i was in my hometown with all the tweekers.

(Trying to) slam all day

Woke up today around 1030a did my normal morning routine, change my 2 yr. olds diaper, ate a bowl of cereal, took a shower, and then started to do my thing so I could get up and get the food shopping done before my  two other boys get home from school. For about two hours I was in my bathroom trying to hit a vein. I would be in , start to register and than all of a sudden I would start to feel the burn and see the bubble forming. I stop , check to make sure I'm still in. Nope vein is gone. Blood in rig would start to harden so since I know I have a T sitting in my room I throw it and start again. Five different time this happened to me. Finally in pain I get about ten cents in me. Got the shopping done, got kids, than back to my room to try again. Now I only have two about two nice shots left. 

I'm right handed so I only slam in my left arm; not coordinated enough to use left hand. I'm unable to to keep steady and push plunger with left hand. End up getting in but guess what the burn and bubble begins to start. Got so kissed I asked, actually begged my man to help me. He slams too but he won't do it to me. He doesn't want to be the one to hurt me. So undecided to call the only local I know around here who use to be an emt and also is a main liner. She comes over later in the day around 630p to hit for me. I have about 10 minutes until I have to get my oldest from baseball practice. After the third attempt and the blood thickening up because she would be in than all of a sudden the burn and bubble begin. By 657p I am over it. My son practice ended at seven pm . I left my pad three minutes before seven to get him. End up being 15minutes late getting. I felt horrible, and embarrassed because I had to get out of my truck b/c his coach wanted to talk to me. 

My left arm has burning and bruised lumps all over. 

I am flabbergasted at myself. Even though my arm is hurting and my veins keep collapsing on me, I still want to stick a needle in my arm. It's sickening to me. What sickens me more that I still want to slam dope. I'm craving it even tough it pisses me off, I can't get loaded the way I want. I know some ....well actually all the dope is not good right now. I miss the good shot from back in the day, peanut butter  lemon stop. That shit was good. Now it's all shards and powder of shot  that barely doubles back. I miss the triple back good dope.  A whole T wasted down my sink drain along with my blood. But here I am wanting to do it. Smoking shot is just not doing it form . I want to do an issue that will drop me to my knees while I fun my pants. Now that is the kind of shot I have been chasing. 

I started main lining when I was 21. Back than I didn't care that my arm where brused and all ducked up. Now I care , I have kids I don't need their teacher, coach, or den leaders noticing my track marks, bruises, and lumps on my arm. I broke all the points that I had. Seeing my arms right now is some what helping. Arms are in too much pain. I've Been applying heat and preparation H trying to get this all to go away. Never got the high I wanted and probably won't. Slamming changes me. I snap to easy. 

slammin dope even though it messing my arm up.

im sitting here with a swollen wrist from mainlining meth and either my viens are clapsing while im shooting dope or I move just a little and end up missng. Even though my wrist is fucked I keep shooting up meth. Im f-ing crazy. Why not smoke it, snort it or ear it? The honest truth is that im addicted to.the needle, the sad thing is that I've o.ly been doi.g this for a few weeks now. It is all I think about, watching the needle go in and and than when you get ingo thd vien, watching the blood shoot up. I get off on that, love sesing that, pretty sick huh? I know doing dope is wrong. I know its slowly killing me. I have hep c, and bad kidneys and that doesn't even stop me. I go crazy in my head, writing my thoughts down seems tohelp me get thought it.